Worst Moscow Mule ever.

A couple of years ago Esquire Magazine released a list of “Signs You’re in a Bad Bar.” On there were things like “Jager shot machine” and “kid-friendly.” But like most cocktail geeks and regular bar hoppers, I’ve got my own list in my back pocket. And when I walked into Bugatta on Melrose for the first time and spotted those telltale signs — the 10-ounce “martinis” on the menu, the Lavender Cosmo, the indifferent bartender with dead eyes — I decided to put away my prejudices and give the place a chance. You can never judge a book by its cover and all that. Besides, who knows, I could be pleasantly surprised.

The venue didn’t look changed much from its previous incarnation as the Bungalow Club, except to say that there were more people in it. Apparently there was a party going on. Very loungey, nice bar area. Not my type of hang, but whatevs. Loved that I was able to just get a seat right away at the bar.

But then I looked over the cocktail menu. Nothing appealed to me. Mojito-tini, raspberry lemon drop, blueberry lychee. Wasn’t this the same menu that Bungalow had from the early 2000s? So I decided to go with the Moscow Mule. I figured this straightforward classic was a safe bet even though the chances of it being served in its traditional copper cup here were slim to none. But how badly could you eff up a Moscow Mule?

Well. Turns out, a lot. The menu listed the cocktail as containing “fresh lime juice.” But unless that meant a fresh bottle of margarita mix, there was no such juice in this cocktail. I saw the bartender struggling with the cap on the new bottle and thought, “No, that can’t be my drink.” After a squirt of the mix she then dumped what seemed like a three-count of Peychaud’s bitters into the mix, turning it rose-colored. She then took a straw to it, you know, like how bartenders do to gauge whether the cocktail needs tweaking. Too much margarita mix, perhaps? But she threw out the straw and then placed the drink in front of me.

Wuuut? That wasn’t like any Moscow Mule prep I’ve ever seen. I mean, is she kidding me? Does she think people really don’t read the menu or watch her as she makes the cocktail?

Despite my better instincts I took a sip of it and, yup, it was the worst cocktail I’ve ever had. Over the top lime-y. Downright undrinkable. It in turn inspired my new favorite Twitter hashtag: #cockfail, to now be used with any horrible cocktail I encounter.

I would have said something to the bartender but 1) If she could fuck up this cocktail that bad, chances are she didn’t have the skills to save it and 2) we had dinner reservations so had no time for a redo anyway. The drink was $8; if it were more I probably would have asked for my money back. But instead chalked it up to a lesson learned.

To be fair, even though I didn’t like Bugatta, seems like 10 out of 13 peeps on Yelp do. So there’s that.

PS: Here’s a list of 10 Signs You’re in a Good Cocktail Bar, just for good measure.

Update 1/20/12: Bugatta’s social media person contacted me and said, “These problems were made aware to the bar staff. Our bar manager and owner are correcting these issues.  We strive to offer the freshest ingredients for our mixed cocktails and promise that the sour mix you spoke of in the review will not be used again.”

Still don’t understand why they listed “fresh lime juice” when sour mix was clearly the default ingredients. And how can they now say they “strive to offer the freshest ingredients”? Anyway, there it is for what it’s worth now.

Marcos Tello will build the world's largest Irish whiskey collection at Tom Bergin's.

Nobody panic. The Tom Bergin’s shamrocks aren’t going anywhere. Mixologist Marcos Tello assures me that if anything they will only suffer a light dusting. And Marcos would know. He’s the one who has been brought on by Tom Bergin’s Tavern‘s new owners, Warner Ebbink and Executive Chef Brendan Boudet (Little Dom’s, Dominick’s), to do the cocktail menu and Irish whiskey list for the redone Fairfax Avenue bar.

“[The new owners] were very, very interested in keeping all the old folklore, that actual feel of the bar, everything. They literally preserved everything,” Marcos said. “The bar is still the same, they just refinished it. The ceiling and the shamrocks will all be in the same place. They just dusted it off and kind of restored it. They preserved all the historic items but just upgraded things like you want upgraded like the bathrooms, the kitchen, the plumbing. In that aspect, yeah, it’s better.”

Owner Warner Ebbink on how to earn a shamrock in the redone Bergin’s (Los Angeles Magazine, October 2011):

With us you’ll have to be a super regular, but when you earn it, we’ll celebrate your shamrocking and present you with a certificate. It will be a big deal.

For fans of the iconic L.A. bar, this is great news indeed. Not to say that change is a bad thing. Consider that the new cocktail menu Marcos is creating will offer about six to 10 Irish whiskey-centric cocktails. And it’s not going to be the hand-crafted masterpieces that the master mixologist is known for at his previous projects 1886 and First & Hope.

Bergin's bartender Chris Doyle inspired Coach on TV's Cheers.

“We have a fast program. No-nonsense program but at the same time it’s going to be very thoughtful of how they’re tasting to the customers and turning them on because 1) we want to keep our old customers. We’re going to honor them first. And 2) we want to bring in new people and celebrate Irish whiskey,” he said. Every drink on that list will be a celebration of the Irish spirit; Irish whiskey in a Manhattan, a Daiquiri, a Sour. Yes, they’re not just for picklebacks anymore.

Fortunately Bergin’s will have a slew of Irish whiskies at its disposal, especially since Marcos proclaims that it will be “one of the biggest if not THE biggest Irish whiskey selections in the U.S.” Currently West L.A. bar Bar Food claims to hold this title, what with its special whiskies in stock that you can only get in Ireland. But with Marcos’ connections and his knowhow Bar Food may have to share the honors. But then everybody wins.

Although there will be this new cocktail list, Marcos said that they will retain some of the original staff and they will all be trained on the classics. So, yes, you can get a Martinez or a Negroni if you want one. But sounds like everyone will be flocking to Bergin’s for the Irish whiskey.

Tom Bergin’s Tavern is projected to open mid to late February this year, just in time for St. Patrick’s Day.

Fun fact: Tom Bergin’s actually inspired the show Cheers and its bartender Chris Doyle inspired the Coach character. Marcos wanted to become a bartender because Sam Malone made it look so fun. So it all comes full circle.

Tom Bergin’s Tavern
840 South Fairfax Avenue
Los Angeles, California 90036 (map)
Facebook: Tom Bergin’s Tavern
Twitter: @TomBergins

Naughty, delicious Candy Striper.

The Roof on Wilshire atop the eighth floor of a Mid-Wilshire hotel seems an unlikely place to spend a winter evening, but thanks to a few well-placed heaters and a new hot cocktail program, it’s pretty cozy up there. The al fresco bar/restaurant’s new drink menu, created by the Foundry on Melrose’s Mark Blackhart and the Roof’s San San Tran, consists of a variety of spiked hot chocolates, coffee and Art of Tea tea.”We’re convinced that December and January are going to be our busiest months,” Chef Eric Greenspan joked. “We wanted to highlight that it is cold and how do we celebrate that and keep it fun?”

The hot coffee and chocolate drinks which are topped with special whipped cream created by Chef Liz Garret certainly help. And Greenspan says that they’re going to tray-pass fresh baked cookies from 9:30 to close every 15 minutes. Other cozy-fying ideas in the works to help warm your bones on the roof? Designer shawl blankets that guests can borrow and tableside campfires featuring yogurt flavored marshmallows that will be accompanied with a variety of dipping sauces and a brulee torch. Chef is still working out the details but stay tuned.

Now before you dismiss the hot cocktails here as typical winter drinks with too much syrup or whipped cream, I’ll have you know I went ahead and checked it out for you and they’re not.

Candy Striper: Peppermint Schnapps, rum, chocolate, pink peppermint whipped cream. I thought for sure I wouldn’t like this one. Sounds uber sweet but it’s surprisingly not. Do not confuse it with Starbucks’ Peppermint Mocha. The cocktail is made not with actual creamy hot chocolate but just chocolate syrup and hot water in addition to all the other ingredients. The idea behind this is so that customers will still have the appetite to drink more cocktails. But if you, like me, are really picky about your hot chocolate, you can request this be made with steamed milk instead of water for a richer, creamier experience.

Blossom Toddy: Bourbon, honey, orange bitters, black tea. This is a basic hot toddy which comes complete with a little jar of honey. If you’re feeling under the weather and are suffering from that bug that’s been going around, this will cure what ails you, or at the very least comfort you the only way a tasty toddy can. Its aroma is so strong, it’ll penetrate  your stuffed-up nose.

Choc Full O’ Nuts: Amaretto, creme de cacao, coffee, Irish whipped cream. Warning, this delicious nutty spiked creamy coffee drink is dangerous because it doesn’t taste boozy at all. So if you have friends in your entourage who are opposed to the taste of alcohol, this would be the cocktail for them. By the way, don’t dismiss the flavored whipped cream as a thin frou-frou topping of Reddi-wip. It’s actually creamy, rich and substantial.

Earl the Pearl: Dark rum, Earl Grey vanilla cream tea. The vanilla notes of this really great tea are enhanced by the dark rum. This is actually my favorite out of all the drinks on the Roof. Every friend I’ve introduced it to has loved it as well. Bonus is that it comes with a mini teapot so even when you drink all the booze in that first glass, afterward you end up with leftovers of a nommy cup of tea.

Porcel: Tequila, hot cocoa, chili spiced whipped cream. Chef Greenspan said this drink is named after some “big fat guy” who’s always surrounded by hot bikini’d girls on a late night Mexican TV show called “A La Cama Con Porcel” (“Going to bed with Porcell). The spicy whipped cream adds a nice unexpected finish to this drink which I certainly wouldn’t mind capping my night with.

By the way, with regard to the food, my absolute favorite was the Nori Nachos, a fresh and light alternative to any nachos dish you ever encountered, what with its crispy rice crackers in lieu of tortilla chips topped with tartare, spicy salmon roe and sauce. And you can’t hit up a Greenspan restaurant without getting his grilled cheese sandwich. The Wilshire Grilled Cheese is made with Gruyere, date marmalade and roasted peppers.

Prices here aren’t crazy expensive, ranging from $8 curry-apple risotto balls to the $12 Wilshire Burger and $24 seared tuna a la carte. But there’s definitely something for everyone. I brought my bf who is a picky and healthy eater and he loved the mushroom risotto while blogger friend H.C.of LA/OC Foodventures indulged in the baked potato fries.

The only thing I wasn’t too crazy about, though, were the desserts. The market fruit cobbler and apple-cinnamon bread pudding just weren’t as satisfying or flavorful as their names had lead me to believe. A bit disappointing, especially after everything else was exceptional. Oh well.

Surprisingly despite its flamboyant celebrity chef and its catbird seat boasting a unique perspective of Downtown, Hollywood and Beverly Hills, the Roof still feels like a secret spot. But I’m relishing that quiet as I’m sure it won’t last too long. Right now I can just go up to the roof and grab a seat at the bar, a cabana, or one down by the firepit. Bonus is that the bar completes the very short string of great cocktail bars on Wilshire as it’s bookended by Red Medicine and the Stark Bar at LACMA!

More photos after the jump…

The Roof on Wilshire
6317 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California 90048 (map)
(323) 852-6002
Bar Hours: 6pm-11pm weekdays; til 1am weekends
Facebook: The Roof on Wilshire
Twitter: @RoofonWilshire

Ponche en Nogada from Playa

Nothing says cozy winter nights like a hot toddy or Irish coffee. But in L.A. thanks to our industrious and highly skilled bartenders, we’ve got so many new favorite winter cocktails to choose from. Will it be 1886′s spicy hot chocolate, Playa’s mescal nog, the Roof on Wilshire’s Earl Grey hot toddy? Here’s the roundup of some of the tastiest drinks off winter cocktail menus around town. Any one is perfect for enjoying on a balmy December afternoon or a chilly night.

Scot's Jasmine by Big Bar

1886: Con Abuelita — Described as a grown-up Mexican hot chocolate it’s made with Ancho-chile infused Reposado Tequila, 1886 hot chocolate mix and an ancho chile marshmallow.

Bar at Cliff’s Edge: Bitter Pill — This bitter pill will go down easy with its mixture of Zaya Rum, Fernet Branca, lime, brown sugar syrup and egg whites.

Big Bar: Scot’s Jasmine — An even cozier twist on a hot toddy which will make you want to curl up at the bar. Dewar’s, jasmine tea, honey, ginger, steamed milk.

Caulfield’s: 23 Yr Old Fashion — Ron Zacapa 23 yr., housemade chocolate tincture, sugar, Luxardo cherry.

Copa d’Oro: TT of Man — Famous Grouse Black Scotch, walnut liqueur, housemade maple-ginger syrup, fresh lemon & organic apple juices & pasteurized egg whites.

Dominick’s: Pixie Goldrush — Bulleit Bourbon, Pixi tangerines, clover honey and lemon juice

Drago Centro: Rode Duivel — Bols Genever, St. Maria Al Monte Amaro, Miracle Mile Sour Cherry Bitters. Try this and the rest of the new winter cocktail menu which debut this Wednesday. They’ll be specially priced at just $8 for the night.

Earl the Pearl from the Roof on Wilshire

Playa: Ponche en Nogada — This nog created by Julian Cox for an L.A. Times Magazine piece evokes the coziness of a fireplace thanks to the smokey Poblano infused mescal and add to that double cream, whole egg, amontillado sherry, holiday-spiced piloncillo, nocino, and garnish with pomegranate arils and nutmeg.

Ray’s and Stark Bar: Oaxacan Holiday — Cocoa infused dark rum, Crème de cacao, chocolate chili bitters, freshly whipped cream, grated nutmeg.

Soho House: Cider House Rules — apple jack, fresh pressed apple cider, lemon, honey syrup, hot water, cinnamon. An apple hot toddy that’s more effective than a Snuggie. But if you’re not a Soho House member, you can make this cocktail at home. Here’s the recipe.

Spare Room: Hot Buttered Bourbon — smoked salt caramel syrup, blood orange essence, bitters. “I like the idea of being able to get a hot buttered bourbon in February when its rainy and colder than it is now,” said Spare Room beverage director Naomi Schimek. Couldn’t agree more, but I suspect our 50-degree L.A. nights work just fine, too.

Tasting Kitchen: Duke of Hazzard — bourbon, dates, allspice.

Lady Percy at Villains Tavern

The Roof on Wilshire: Earl the Pearl — Gosling Dark Rum, Earl Grey Vanilla Cream Tea and lemon twist and cinnamon stick garnish. Something comforting about the vanilla and maple notes of this hot toddy. Enjoy it by the firepit on the roof while looking out at the city.

Villains Tavern: Lady Percy — Tullamore Dew, stewed pear cider, honey, dried apricots and bitters. One of my favorites off Villains winter list. Nicely balanced hot cider cocktail, not too much booze or too much sweet apple/pear-ness.

The Writers Room: Dead Man Oaxacan — mescal, mole-orange liqueur, Mexican oregano, Chapulin garnish.

Coctel Unico by Spare Room Hollywood

Spare Room at the Hollywood Roosevelt is launching a $75 cocktail, Coctel Unico, tonight. Yup, a muy caro tequila drink.

This baby is made with Milagro Unico, a new “micro-distilled tequila with Milagro’s rarest and barrel-aged reserves” (from the press release) that isn’t available in stores or for distribution anywhere yet and once it is, the bottles, of which there are only 1,000, are projected to retail for $300 each. But Spare Room was lucky enough to score two bottles. 

The bowling alley/cocktail lounge’s Director of Beverages Naomi Schimek said that in creating this special drink, she wanted to make sure the delicate spirit was showcased so she didn’t add too many mixers. And when she did it was only eyedropper-size amounts. “Unico is earthy agave with grapefruit and black pepper, opening up top vanilla and caramel notes. Very delicate on the palate,” says Naomi. You can still appreciate the rare tequila in this cocktail but enhanced with dry vermouth, Pernod and Aperol essences to bring out its flavor notes.

Or if you’d rather taste the spirit unenhanced, you can order it neat for the same price.

Would be the perfect gift for your favorite cocktail geek (ahem), or yourself!

Spare Room at Hollywood Roosevelt
7000 Hollywood Boulevard
Los Angeles, California 90028 (map)
(323) 769-7296
Facebook: Spare Room
Twitter: @SpareRoomHwood